"Don't apologise! Your Sorries are cheap!" He
Barked.
At that moment everyone must have been staring at her as she
quickly ducked her head into the cubicle to dodge her colleagues inquisitive
eyes.
I didn't know what she had done wrong this time , other than
his intense hate towards foreigners - all she could do was to apologise.
Just two days earlier I had saw J crying secretly in the
pantry, I knew who had made her cry again. It was none other than that detestable
Mr X !
Mr X was a very valuable client of ours , oh so very
generous but oh so very nasty. He was notorious for picking on foreigners in our office. Unfortunately
J was tasked to service his account. And he made sure her life was a living
hell; nip picking on every little thing she did.
That day was the final straw, I insisted that she handed
that account over to me to handle. I thought that I was doing her a favour,
ridding her of a pest.
But she had misinterpreted my intentions as an indication of
her inability to handle a client.
"Enough! Why does everyone think so little of me? I am
more than capable of taking care of myself. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" She exclaimed!
Much to my surprise.
I wasn't ready for her sudden outburst. Granted ,I wasn't
looking for gratitude but I felt her misguided anger was unwarranted.
"Fine ill never bother about you again!", I said
as I turned to leave, evidently annoyed by her accusation. As I turned , I saw
her face changed to an apologetic demeanour, perhaps realising then that her
remarks were undue. She reached out her
hand to stop me from leaving but I brushed it off coldly.
I didn't even give her a chance to explain or perhaps
apologise , I had justified that she needed to feel sorry for what she had
said.
After that day I was guilt stricken from the fact that I
should have been more understanding. What followed were awkward meetings as neither
party knew if it was the right time to apologise and if the apologies would
be reciprocated.
There was about three weeks to my last day of work. During
that period, it was of my greatest wish to resolve the issue before I left. But alas
I couldn't bring myself to do it and neither could she.
In retrospect had I been more forbearing and had attempted
to resolve the issue there and then, it wouldn't have escalated to such levels.
What do you think i could have done differently, to prevent such a situation from happening?
A wise man once told me "time will heal all wounds " , his perhaps
, but not mine.
Thanks for the sharing Yechuan. Forgive me if I do not understand your situation fully. From what you’ve describe, I believe J didn’t mean what she said. You were probably there at the wrong place, at the wrong time. It’s understandable that she could have said it to anyone else even if you were not present. I believe she felt rather frustrated from the way Mr. X treated her and did not have any avenue to vent out her silent cries as she wouldn’t want anyone to see her as someone who is incapable and weak, especially in this aspect of her life. And when you offered help, she could no longer control her emotions which led to this awkwardness. But nevertheless, it isn’t an excuse for her to react in that way.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I’ve learnt is to try to put yourself in the individual’s place. And while you’re at it, be more open and accepting of their perspectives and needs. Perhaps what J needed wasn’t someone to physically support her at her job but rather a listening ear? I don’t know if you have that kind of rapport with her, but if you do, maybe dealing with the root of the problem, such as talking to J about Mr. X being too harsh on her, would be a better approach to the situation? If you do not have that kind of rapport, then I guess we just have to be more sensitive in these situations and not insist our way especially when the individual’s already hurt? But it’s great to know that you had good intention of helping her Yechuan, because not a lot of people would care to do that nowadays. If you’re still interested in patching up the broken friendship, why not write a letter of apology to her? After all, there isn’t really going to be as much awkwardness now as it was before since it has already been a while and moreover, both of you won’t be seeing each other anytime soon right? Who knows, perhaps after this letter, both of you may become good friends to provide that kind of emotionally support to each other that colleagues can’t.
Well, I guess one thing that we can learn from this experience is to take responsibility for our actions. If we hurt someone's feelings, we should apologize directly – don't ignore what you did or avoid the person. People are usually more willing to forgive and forget if you make an honest attempt to make things right.
Hi Yechuan,
ReplyDeleteThe situation you have described is one that i have found myself in quite a few times. I believe that it was understandable that J reacted the way she did, considering the amount of stress she was under. You, were also not wrong in offering your help.
However, the circumstances were such that the conflict happened even though none of you wanted to hurt the other. What happened after the conflict was most important. It is human nature to harden oneself when one is hurt and that makes it impossible for people to apologize. Pride may also form a barrier. But, seeing as none of the actions were intentional, the apologies should have been made as soon as the fight ended or it would become more difficult as time went on.
I agree with Clarence that a letter of apology would also be a good idea if you did not want to apologize face to face.
Indeed, things escalated too quickly! And pride was the major stumbling block to play. It’s funny how a small issue stemming from good intentions can become so bad so fast. Ha-ha, writing a letter would be too old school already. I guess I would try to resolve it the next time we meet? Or perhaps I should just sweep in under the carpet and pretend like it never existed . Really, it would have been so much easier if the conflict never did happened in the first place. That’s why we should all be well versed in the art of interpersonal communication!
DeleteHi Yechuan, I am sorry to hear that you have not managed to resolve the misunderstanding between you and Miss J. However, we must accept that life is as such and sometimes, we do things which make us regret even though we know that we could have been the one to make a difference.
ReplyDeleteIt was nice of you to offer your help, to attempt to relieve Miss J of her difficult customer, but you probably approached her in the wrong way. The messaage did not get through to her, which resulted in the unwanted conflict. Maybe you can think of alternative ways to breech the topic, and be more sensitive towards others' feelings before you jump into anything? I am not saying that you were wrong this time, but there is no harm in changing the style of how you approach the person so that they will not misunderstand you. This way, you could have considered a good deed done!
Also, i would like to add that to err is human, we do make mistakes and to keep this bad experience at the back of your head will not do you any good. Just take this as a good learning experience and as long as you have learnt how to tackle issues like this; I am sure that you will be able to handle future interpersonal relationship problems with a breeze. Good luck!
Hi Yechuan,
ReplyDeleteI think these are the situations that we might quite often encounter in our workplaces and of course we should learn to overcome these situations.
It was very nice of you to offer help to a colleague who was in need but unfortunately your good intentions were misinterpreted. You were probably unlucky to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It is human nature to vent out their anger at other person when they are not in the right frame of mind. Of course I am not saying she is right but maybe you could have understood at what context she was saying those things. You could have asked her sorry right away for getting into her personal space. Considering the fact that she too understands she is at fault she would have immediately recognized she is doing something wrong and would have apologized for her outburst.
Again it is better late than never,so you can also apologize to her even now if you know her mail id or something else. So that you need not always feel guilty for that incident and you can feel light at heart :)
@everyone
ReplyDeleteThank you for your inputs! I agree with the consensus that our pride sometimes gets in the way of solving conflicts, sometimes even creating them unintentionally.
If only there were a time machine ,that we could all use to go back to the past, to rewrite our wrongs! How nice would it be? But in the meanwhile lets all strive to think before we act , shall we? =)
Sometimes we may mean well and believe that we're helping but we forget that the other party's pride is involved and they may actually view your 'help' as an intrusion or as a reinforcement of their feelings of inadequacy. Good to tread softly.
ReplyDeleteI would have to agree that it was a rash decision; I took matters into my own hands. Nobody likes to feel like they are inadequate, especially in the professional setting. But at that moment in time, I felt like I had to do something- like I had an obligation to step in to rectify the situation. But things escalated quicker than I could have foreseen. I guess the ability to place yourself in the other parties shoes is highly critical in avoiding such situations.
DeleteHi Yechuan!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! this is my second time posting a comment...didn't know where the first post went =(
Anyways...Pride is a delicate thing, and I totally understand what you were going through... even though you mean good, maybe next time round, you could have suggested instead of insisting that you have her client? or maybe even begin the conversation by saying how troublesome and unfair the client is being towards J? and then suggest that if she wants, you can take over? maybe it wouldve been better received?
Indeed on hindsight that would have been a better option! My colleague was clearly stressed and I should have been more apathetic to her situation. Sometimes, all people need is a listening ear and not for us to solve their problems for them.
Delete